My Personal Physician and Counselor Intercedes

Those of you who read my last blog entry are already aware that the esteemed Dr. Ubah Anyadiegwu of Lago, Nigeria, has contacted me by email regarding the settlement of the estate of one late Eng. Walter Dietrich. I commented in my last entry that my dear friend and fellow denizen of the blogosphere, Dr. Polymer Noyz, had recently toyed with a similar Internet scammer, with hilarious results.

I jokingly suggested that perhaps the esteemed Dr. Noyz would care to respond to Dr. Anyadiegwu on my behalf, given his prior experience in such matters—certainly not expecting him to take me up on this offer, as the good Doctor is a very busy man, indeed. However, the good Doctor rarely does the expected, and so this morning I was gifted with his most delightful reply to Dr. Anyadiegwu on my behalf, which I include here for your amusement and enlightenment.

I must say, if this is what it means to have a "personal physician, counselor, and friend," it does not suck in the least.

Dear Dr. Anyadiegwu,

Although I realize I am risking violating one of my most sacred vows and breaching the confidentiality that exists between a man and his doctor, I feel as though current circumstances warrant my immediate intervention.

Which is not, by any means, to suggest that the ends justifiy the means. However, the ends you suggest imply the justification of a great quantity of means, if you get my meaning sir. As I have no doubt you are a man of business I am certain that you do.

I am writing to you on behalf of a one of my patients, the esteemed Mr. Dietrich. I am his personal physican, counselor, and friend.

You recently contacted him via electonic correspondence and communicated information regarding the accidental death of and the estate of the late Engineer Walter Dietrich.

The late Engineer Walter Dietrich is the estranged father of my client.

One can only presume that the woman to whom you refer to as "his wife" was the late Engineer Walter Dietrich's mistress and his maid's daughter. They both disappeared in 1989. At that time it became known to the first Mrs. Dietrich through a series of photographs and videotapes that Mr. Dietrich's relationship with both the maid and her daughter had degenerated into a different type of professional relationship. The maid was pimping her daughter.

Local law enforcement authorities reminded Mr. Walter Dietrich that the girl was only fifteen and of the illegal, immoral, and unhealthy aspects of sodomy. The couple fled the country with the aid of false documents purchased from a cross-eyed Swiss forger with one arm. Mr. Walter Dietrich has been neither seen nor heard from since.

The younger Mr. Dietrich became despondent. Not only had he lost his father, but he was also grief-stricken by the loss of what he referred to as a "sweet piece of tail". Apparently he had also monied up the maid to diddle the daughter.

He descended into a hellish cycle of over the counter cold remedy abuse (OCCRA). He has been in my care for the treatment of this malady for the past few years. OCCRA is a very damaging and difficult condition to cure. The treatment of OCCRA is most delicate. I fear that your recent correspondence containing the tragic news of his father's untimely demise may provide a psychic push to cause the younger Mr. Dietrich to again begin the nightmare of suda-freaking and bena-downing.

Mr. Dietrich is eager to resolve the matter of his father's estate in an expeditious fashion. However, at this time it is my professional opinion that his current mental state is much too fragile to handle complicated legal affairs.

It is his request that you direct future correspondence on this matter to me, The Good Doctor Polymer Noyz, his personal physician, counselor and friend.

I have little doubt that we can reach a swift conclusion that is equally beneficial and agreeable to all involved parties. I wait further instruction and I look forward to your response.

Sincerely,

Dr. Polymer Noyz

As for me, must dash; I'm running low on Sudafed and I'm not nearly tweaked enough yet to face such a bright, sunshiney day.