From the 'In Case You Didn't Already Feel Fucking Old' Department

Baby Jessica marries.

Enough said. But at least it spawned this bit of comedic genius. (Crap, that's just something else to make me feel old: remembering when The Simpsons was actually still funny. Damn, that's a long time ago, too.)

The King of All Media

Howard Stern? Not even close. Oprah? Too altruistic. Think nerdy. (Mark Cuban? Dear God, not that freakin' nerdy.) Think iPods. Think Steve Jobs.

Yes, thanks to an almost-inked deal between Disney and Pixar, Mr. Jobs is set to become the largest individual shareholder of Disney and have a seat on the Disney board. Leader of the personal computer revolution, leader of the digital music revolution, leader of the computer animation revolution . . . now the undisputed King of All Media.

I just hope he's better at the job than our other king.

A Letter to the Speaker

Dear Rep. Hastert:

When I first read the news that your office was suggesting a Congressional investigation into the secret U.S. interrogation centers abroad, I naturally assumed that you wanted Congress to get to the bottom of how such a program, if true, could have been sanctioned by the U.S. even as it flies in the face of every international standard of human rights.

Imagine my surprise to read further and discover that you are instead advocating the investigation of the leak of these centers' existence. On the contrary, whoever leaked this information to The Washington Post should be the recipient of the Congressional Medal of Honor, not the subject of an investigation.

I strongly agree that the protection of our freedoms and the safeguarding of our homeland from terrorist attacks should be among our highest priorities, and I'm not naive enough to believe that questionable covert activities don't take place every day in the interest of protecting those freedoms. But for the U.S. government to sanction, even in secret, the existence of centers designed to torture confessions out of enemy combatants is not only inexcusable, but immoral and illegal under international law.

For your personal benefit, I would strongly suggest you reconsider this "investigation" because I'm afraid it may shine the harsh light of day in some places that the Congress will later wish were allowed to remain in darkness. But proceed at your own risk—although I think it will surprise you that the American people, interested though they are in protecting their own security, will still prefer not to sink to the level of terrorists in the process.

Kind regards,

Cardinal Biggles

Hardly News

Brain-dead woman gives birth to baby.

Big fucking deal. A brain-dead man has been running the country.

Top that, lady.

As God Is My Witness, They've Never Gone Hungry

And also as God is my witness, I will never, ever get on one of these fucking things unless they are shipping my cold, dead body in the cargo hold.

I especially liked this phrase:

A cabin designed around a large sample of today’s real passengers providing more space regardless of class of ticket, wider seats and aisles.

Translation: "We got out a fucking huge tape measure and were shocked to discover that most of our passengers—but especially those sitting in the cheap seats—were horrifyingly obese, so we had no choice but to build this big goddamn plane to accommodate their ridiculously large asses."

Sadly, this is just another in a long string of "accommodations" for the insanely obese—a trend which I for one am getting a little sick of. I don't want to seem insensitive to the plight of the overweight, but I do resent paying more for just about every product and service I use because it had to be re-engineered for this growing (no pun intended) group. Lay off the fucking McDonald's, people.

A Random Musing

Okay, to dispel the rumors that I'm dead, herewith one, lone, pitiful excuse for a blog entry:

Whilst waxing apoplectic today about the Terri Schiavo debacle (and although I use that word with no disrespect to this poor woman or her family, at least from a political standpoint it is exactly that), it suddenly occurred to me to think a bit about her last name. Though you'd certainly not realize it from the Americanized pronunciation "SHY-voh," it's really a perfectly good Italian word. And I suppose the pronunciation disparity is one reason that its wholly ironic meaning in Italian, where it's pronounced "ski-AH-voh," never leaped to mind.

It means, quite appropriately I think, "slave."

We Can Make the World a Whole Lot Brighter

With apologies to The Brady Bunch, the title of this afternoon's post refers to my dear friend Cardinal Fang, who, perhaps buoyed by a little extra Turkey (of the Wild variety), recently epiphanied all over himself.

Seems that dear Fang has come to the realization that he is "destined to change the world for good." That got me to wondering: How many famous people, either in interviews, essays, books, or what have you, said that they, too, felt that they were destined to make the world a better place? With thanks to our good friends at Google, herewith a short list:

Billy Graham
Garner Ted Armstrong
John Lennon
L. Ron Hubbard
Madonna
Strom Thurmond
George W. Bush
Chelsea Clinton
Adolf Hitler
Lee Harvey Oswald
Theodore Kaczynski
James Earl Ray
Josef Stalin
Pol Pot
Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme
Charles Manson
David Berkowitz
Mary Kate & Ashley Olson

'Nuff said.

My Personal Physician and Counselor Intercedes

Those of you who read my last blog entry are already aware that the esteemed Dr. Ubah Anyadiegwu of Lago, Nigeria, has contacted me by email regarding the settlement of the estate of one late Eng. Walter Dietrich. I commented in my last entry that my dear friend and fellow denizen of the blogosphere, Dr. Polymer Noyz, had recently toyed with a similar Internet scammer, with hilarious results.

I jokingly suggested that perhaps the esteemed Dr. Noyz would care to respond to Dr. Anyadiegwu on my behalf, given his prior experience in such matters—certainly not expecting him to take me up on this offer, as the good Doctor is a very busy man, indeed. However, the good Doctor rarely does the expected, and so this morning I was gifted with his most delightful reply to Dr. Anyadiegwu on my behalf, which I include here for your amusement and enlightenment.

I must say, if this is what it means to have a "personal physician, counselor, and friend," it does not suck in the least.

Dear Dr. Anyadiegwu,

Although I realize I am risking violating one of my most sacred vows and breaching the confidentiality that exists between a man and his doctor, I feel as though current circumstances warrant my immediate intervention.

Which is not, by any means, to suggest that the ends justifiy the means. However, the ends you suggest imply the justification of a great quantity of means, if you get my meaning sir. As I have no doubt you are a man of business I am certain that you do.

I am writing to you on behalf of a one of my patients, the esteemed Mr. Dietrich. I am his personal physican, counselor, and friend.

You recently contacted him via electonic correspondence and communicated information regarding the accidental death of and the estate of the late Engineer Walter Dietrich.

The late Engineer Walter Dietrich is the estranged father of my client.

One can only presume that the woman to whom you refer to as "his wife" was the late Engineer Walter Dietrich's mistress and his maid's daughter. They both disappeared in 1989. At that time it became known to the first Mrs. Dietrich through a series of photographs and videotapes that Mr. Dietrich's relationship with both the maid and her daughter had degenerated into a different type of professional relationship. The maid was pimping her daughter.

Local law enforcement authorities reminded Mr. Walter Dietrich that the girl was only fifteen and of the illegal, immoral, and unhealthy aspects of sodomy. The couple fled the country with the aid of false documents purchased from a cross-eyed Swiss forger with one arm. Mr. Walter Dietrich has been neither seen nor heard from since.

The younger Mr. Dietrich became despondent. Not only had he lost his father, but he was also grief-stricken by the loss of what he referred to as a "sweet piece of tail". Apparently he had also monied up the maid to diddle the daughter.

He descended into a hellish cycle of over the counter cold remedy abuse (OCCRA). He has been in my care for the treatment of this malady for the past few years. OCCRA is a very damaging and difficult condition to cure. The treatment of OCCRA is most delicate. I fear that your recent correspondence containing the tragic news of his father's untimely demise may provide a psychic push to cause the younger Mr. Dietrich to again begin the nightmare of suda-freaking and bena-downing.

Mr. Dietrich is eager to resolve the matter of his father's estate in an expeditious fashion. However, at this time it is my professional opinion that his current mental state is much too fragile to handle complicated legal affairs.

It is his request that you direct future correspondence on this matter to me, The Good Doctor Polymer Noyz, his personal physician, counselor and friend.

I have little doubt that we can reach a swift conclusion that is equally beneficial and agreeable to all involved parties. I wait further instruction and I look forward to your response.

Sincerely,

Dr. Polymer Noyz

As for me, must dash; I'm running low on Sudafed and I'm not nearly tweaked enough yet to face such a bright, sunshiney day.