If Only They Would Dress Like Simon

Those of you who know me already know that I don't sleep particularly well at night, if at all, and thanks to the Los Angeles Times, now I won't be able to sleep on airplanes either. It seems that an inordinate number of passengers are "outing" federal air marshals by announcing their presence loudly to other passengers. How, you might ask, can an untrained civilian passenger instantly identify an undercover federal agent on a plane? Simple: They look too good.

Federal regulations require air marshals to wear suits and ties, have no facial hair, and have smartly polished lace-up dress shoes. Passengers boarding through the first-class section can't help but notice them since they look about as discreet as drag queens in a monastery—and eliminating the unlikely possibility that they are Mormon missionaries traveling with upgrades, passengers make the quick and logical assumption: These are federal air marshals.

Now, common sense might dictate a simple solution: have the air marshals dress like ordinary passengers. But remember, this is the federal government, so common sense is a rare commodity. The federales tell us that the target-on-your-chest outfits are necessary because "professional demeanor, attire and attitude gain respect." But what's more important—being respected by the guy next to you flying to a conference in Chicago, or keeping your cover so that Akbar doesn't take you out like a shooting gallery duck in the first two seconds of a terrorist attack? As one air marshal paints his nightmare scenario:

"This is what I foresee," said one marshal, a two-year veteran. "Two of us get on the plane and we've been under surveillance the whole time. There's a minimum of four bad guys…. My partner goes to the bathroom and they come after me with a sharp pen, stab me in the neck or in the brain and take my weapon," he continued. "When my partner comes out, they shoot him. Then they've got 80 rounds of ammunition and two weapons."

Seems eerily simple, doesn't it? So what's Uncle Sam's brilliant solution? Prosecute passengers who point out the air marshals to other passengers. Yes, you read that right—rather than simply allowing the marshals to dress to protect their cover, we're just going to arrest people who point them out. It's already happened to numerous observant and overly chatty passengers.

So my advice to you is this. If you're at the airport, and you see a passenger exhibiting any or all of the following behaviors:

• showing the ticket agent a large, leather-bound credential case with a holographic photo
• entering the security area through the exit door rather than through the metal detector
• wearing a suit and tie when everyone else is in Wal-Mart Bermuda shorts
• boarding the plane before everyone else, even the wheelchair passengers

. . . just remember the first rule of air travel in the new century: Keep your fucking mouth shut. Oh, and don't dress too well yourself, either—you don't want to be the guy they stab in the neck with a pen.