How Come Airline Pilots Always Get So Much Pussy?

I'm eternally hopeful that someday we won't have to suffer through at least 10 news stories every day that are about either 9/11, the "War on Terror," Iraq, Halliburton, or some other issue centrally or peripherally related to what an ass-faced fuckwit we didn't elect back in 2000. We got over Watergate, we got over Vietnam, we even got over Crystal Pepsi. Surely we can get over this, too?

Until we do, I had to chuckle at the news du jour on the terror front. First, it seems that poor Mohdar Abdullah, close friend of two of the 9/11 hijackers, is rather highly exercised over having the 9/11 commission talk trash about him. It seems that Mr. Abdullah feels that the commission's characterization of him as "perfectly suited to assist the hijackers in pursuing their mission" is grossly unfair, untrue, and derogatory. I hate to be seen as taking his side, but I feel compelled to point out that the main reason cited in the report for concluding that Mr. Abdullah was just a Koranic verse or two away from hijacking a plane himself is that he "is fluent in both Arabic and English."

Let this be a lesson to all you kids out there: Don't learn to speak two languages! It can only make you seem suspicious later in life. And Mr. Abdullah's take-away from all this should be that you shouldn't associate with lowlifes if you don't want the media to assume you are one, too. Just ask Brian "Kato" Kaelin . . .

And in other news, we see that a commercial flight between Brussels and Vienna had to make an emergency landing yesterday when a cat, who had escaped from its cage and begun wandering around the plane, slipped into the cockpit when the flight attendant opened it to serve meals to the flight crew and scratched the co-pilot rather severely.

Are you listening, Mr. Abdullah? Who needs boxcutters when you can train cats to subdue the flight crew for you! (Forgive me if I just gave Al-Qaeda some ideas.)